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Today would have been the 95th birthday of Milton Friedman. |
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Today would have been the 95th birthday of Milton Friedman. |
TO: Sen. John Cornyn, Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee’s Subcommittee on the Constitution
FROM: BuffaloWings&Vodka
RE: Some Stuff
Dear Senator Cornyn,
As my representative in the Senate, you’ve always been someone that I felt I could talk to. But that feeling increased exponentially when I met you at The Boyz Cellar in Austin last weekend. I was there with a few of my friends, hoping to hit on the straight girls that were there to avoid guys like me, and there you were, doing body shots at the bar. My friends were like, “No way is that John Cornyn. He’d never wear that boa in the summertime.” But I pointed out your now-famous My Little Pony tattoo--which, by the way must have hurt like hell…I know my inner thighs are totally oversensitive when it comes to stuff like that--and they had to agree that it was you.
Anyway, thanks for the drinks that night; I don’t think I’d ever had that many Fuzzy Pandas in a row. My only regret is that you skipped out before I had a chance to ask you a few questions about life in the Senate:
1. If you really pressed him on it, do you think Robert Byrd (D-WV) would admit to believing that he’s in the same Senate as Clay, Webster, and Calhoun?
2. Is Bill Frist (R-TN) as tall as he looks? My mom said that he's eight-foot-three, but I don't believe her; she also told me that Alan Thicke was my real dad.
3. Have you ever raised a Point of Personal Privilege to use the restroom? Because we had to do that in student congress, and I thought it was totally lame.
4. Just so I can get it straight in my head, am I correct in assuming that your opposition to gay marriage is predicated on a belief that homosexuality is a choice? (I mean, if you didn’t believe that it was a choice, then you’d be denying people rights based on something over which they had no control, which would be totally effing rude.) And if so, does that then mean that you believe that you could choose to be homosexual if you wanted? Like, if you woke up tomorrow and 90% of the country were homosexual and the Constitution and the Bible and Pat Sajak all said that heterosexuality was wrong, and high school kids were getting the crap kicked out of them for being heterosexual, you feel that you could suddenly choose to become gay? That’s awesome.
5. Is Senator Cantwell (D-WA) as hot in person as she looks on C-SPAN?
6. Is Jewel still your favorite band?
I know you’re busy with your amendment, but I hope you’ll find the time to write me back. You can also give me a call at 512-731-6527 if you want to chat on the phone or even meet up somewhere. I’m totally free.
Stay Beautiful,
Mike
July 13, 2004 09:11 PM | TrackBackNot your best work but I have to post one up for you to keep you in the competition at this point. So think of it as a vote for your previous work.
Posted by: cheapseats at July 13, 2004 09:25 PMPretty funny up until 4. I'm with cheapseats-- this vote is for your previous work.
Anything to get Mike Mills eliminated.
Posted by: RJF at July 13, 2004 09:32 PMVodka kicks ass.
Posted by: damien at July 13, 2004 09:57 PMi think this is up to your usual standard, which, it should go without saying, puts it above the rest.
Posted by: kim at July 13, 2004 10:08 PMGot my vote.
Posted by: Sean S at July 13, 2004 10:37 PMI suppose I should refrain from commenting. But I feel compelled to reward the creativity.
Posted by: Jeremy at July 13, 2004 10:56 PMThis is the kind of stuff that makes me feel bummed when I go to your blog site and I don't find a new post.
Nice.
Posted by: rdv at July 14, 2004 12:07 AMI don't know what the first two guys were talking about... this was funny AND insightful. Bravo.
Posted by: Unreasonable Man at July 14, 2004 10:04 AMSmashing work. Love it.
Posted by: Opinionated at July 14, 2004 10:38 AMI read your last post and loved it. This is equally delicious.
Why must my state have such ignorant people, especially him?
Anyway, here's my vote.
Posted by: yasmín at July 14, 2004 11:29 AMA+. Gets my vote.
Posted by: anon at July 14, 2004 11:40 AMGood Stuff
Posted by: Justin at July 14, 2004 01:02 PMAnother vote for Vodka. And they say it rots brains. Ha...
Posted by: Win at July 14, 2004 01:07 PMI don't think Jeremy should be voting for WV; Jeremy's going to lose his spot as Funniest Dude on Denovo.
WV's the best law student blog on the net, and there's a lot of excellent competition. His stuff is routinely excellent, even when he's horribly wrong (as about Ken Jennings.)
Private to Wings: I get the money and the videotapes for this post, right?
--JRM, who had the sense never to publish "Sonnet to Scalia"
Posted by: JRM at July 14, 2004 01:18 PMBaby arm.
Posted by: David at July 14, 2004 01:39 PMOh my god! I totally forgot about the POPP in high school. Does this mean i'm a dork, too?
Posted by: yellowperil at July 14, 2004 01:52 PMexcellently done!
Posted by: Peaches at July 14, 2004 02:10 PMYou've got my vote!
The stuff you write is funny.
Posted by: Paz at July 14, 2004 03:45 PMI guess I have to vote or something. Who's in charge of this democracy anyway?
Posted by: Adam at July 14, 2004 04:14 PMI'm not even a lawyer and you crack my shit up. Though it would be hard for ANYTHING to beat that poem you wrote.
Posted by: Miss Issues at July 14, 2004 04:29 PMPoints for creativity, though I look forward to seeing a more concentrated effort some day. Pandering to the gay paraprofessional lobby never hurts in here either, so extra credit for the keen politics.
Posted by: Clevebound at July 14, 2004 04:40 PMCoulda worked the box turtle statement in there somewhere, but I'll take what I can get.
Nice work as usual...
Posted by: Tbag at July 14, 2004 04:43 PMThought it was really great stuff....and I loved number four...Hey, anyone that can work Pat Sajak, Alan Thicke, AND My Little Pony in one post has my vote!!!!
Posted by: Kelly P. at July 14, 2004 04:49 PMLike usual, Wings blows everyone away!
High larious. You can stay.
Posted by: Neo Tokyo Times at July 14, 2004 06:52 PMSgood.
Posted by: Adam at July 14, 2004 07:14 PMa bit flippant but on the strength of your past postings you get my vote.
Posted by: G at July 14, 2004 07:16 PMNice work, honey.
Posted by: Ruthie at July 14, 2004 07:17 PMa proud moment, but, this number 4 thing? Homosexuality isn't a choice? The next thing you'll try to tell me is that Viagra is covered by health insurance but birth control pills aren't.
Posted by: Nancy L. at July 14, 2004 07:23 PMI am casting my vote for you, but, I am a minor, a convicted felon, and currently intoxicated so I'm not sure I am entitled to the franchise.
Posted by: stew at July 14, 2004 08:39 PMIt's not even a contest.
Posted by: LvL at July 14, 2004 09:47 PMnow THAT's (Congressional) comedy!!!
Posted by: tony at July 14, 2004 11:18 PMWhat's in a fuzzy panda? Eh, I don't care, you can be my wingman anytime.
Posted by: Baxter at July 14, 2004 11:19 PMI'm rooting for you! I especially liked #4.
Posted by: Leila at July 15, 2004 01:04 AMi love the 90's
Posted by: heidi at July 15, 2004 04:24 AMIs WV going to follow Boston Rob's lead and propose to the last remaining finalist? I can't wait for that part.
Posted by: Scheherazade at July 15, 2004 09:04 AMGreat work! I mean seriously, after this:
"Like, if you woke up tomorrow and 90% of the country were homosexual and the Constitution and the Bible and Pat Sajak all said that heterosexuality was wrong, and high school kids were getting the crap kicked out of them for being heterosexual, you feel that you could suddenly choose to become gay? That’s awesome."
What more need be said on the issue?
Posted by: Scoplaw at July 15, 2004 09:26 AMCornyn smokes choad? Dude, he never called ME to hook up. What a stuck up c*nt.
Posted by: Rick Perry at July 15, 2004 10:30 AMSuper. But, all kidding aside, Sen. Cornyn has some great hair. Sen. Kerry seems to be saying that John Edwards' hair was the tipping point in his nomination decision, so Pres. Bush should think about dumping Cheney for his fellow Texan. If Edwards is the Breck girl, then Cheney is the Herbal Essences Silver Fox.
Posted by: Christine at July 15, 2004 10:40 AMBush can't pick Cornyn because they are both Texans. The voters in the Electoral College have to cast their votes for Prez and Veep for people from different states. This is why Cheney, who was a Texan at the time, changed his registration back to Wyoming before the 2000 election. (I also recall Bob Dole mentioning this about he and his wife running together.)
Posted by: Milbarge at July 15, 2004 12:06 PMLove the blog, love the post. I'm honored to be at the same school as Wings.
Posted by: Esther at July 15, 2004 01:06 PMI had no idea your inner thighs were so sensitive!
Great punctuation, dude. Seriously.
Posted by: Mandy at July 15, 2004 01:25 PMdictum factum
Posted by: Tyr at July 15, 2004 01:51 PMBoas are SO over this summer...
The Capitol Steps needs you...consider it for your next summer internship.
Posted by: UMLaw at July 15, 2004 07:48 PM